After the book-long drama thread that is still eating babies a bit further down the page, I thought that I would bring something a little bit lighter to Bald and Screaming.

A long time ago, in a far away MMO called World of Warcraft, I used to make songs (parodies) to make fun of my guild-mates. A couple years later, while playing another MMO (EVE Online) under the name “Curzon Dax,” I had an epic space fight with the self-proclaimed PvP master and teacher of an alliance (I was a complete noob), and I spanked him. I thought it would make a funny parody, and so I wrote a song, performed it, and uploaded it to the interweb. It was an instant hit; while I’m not a particularly gifted singer, the content and delivery were funny and it ended with thousands of downloads, masses of mail, and comedy that would haunt “Sabre A” for the rest of his EVE career. Just like that, my career making parodies was born.

Two albums and several years (and a million+ downloads, Youtube videos, etc), I don’t play Eve Online anymore…but from time to time the parody bug bites me.

Since my hobby these days is 40k, and the context for stinky gamers came up in the drama-thread, I thought I would reintroduce my lack of talent to a new audience.

This is a parody of Vanilla Ice’s “Ice Ice Baby” titled “Dice Dice Baby”

And in honor of the stench many of us have to put up with around unkempt hobbyists, I bring you my rendition of “Breakfast at Tiffany’s” titled “Stinky Gamer“

In this case, it’s the latter.

My opponent will be Hulksmash of Dakka Dakka, a player well-known for destroying people on the West Coast with his Space Wolves and a sensible guy to boot. We’ve had some disagreements on how tournaments should be run, but that’s really the limit of my interaction with him.

Objections to the importance of tournament/hobby event records notwithstanding, his past performance, army list, and comments about 40k lead me to believe the knows how to play the game and that this will be a tough match. What will I be facing? Like in any tournament setting, it could be anything. But my Google-fu is strong and I never go unprepared. Hulk did well at the Broadside Bash out in California earlier this year with the following 2000-point army, so I suspect he’ll bring something similar:

2 Rune Priests
2 Lone Wolves w/Termi Armor, CF, SS
4 WG in Pod w/4 CM’s, 1 TA, 1 CF
2×9 GH’s w/WG in a Rhino w/MotW and Melta
2×5 GH’s w/Melta and PW in a Razorback
1×5 GH w/Flamer in a Razorback
3×6 Long Fangs w/5 Missiles in an Assault Cannon Razorback

Source

If he takes Razorback-based Space Wolves, as I expect, then it will be an uphill battle for me–super shooty marines always given my IG fits. Furthermore, I’m not really happy with my list yet, but with my slow painting and time running short I’m afraid I won’t have the chance to shake things up. I will of course be bringing my mechanized Imperial Guard, scaled up to 2000 points.

Excuses aside, I’ve heard nothing but good things about Hulksmash so it should be a good time, win or lose, though I fully expect a gentlemenly ass-kicking.

All in all, I have to say that I’m really, really impressed with GW here.  The pessimist in me half-expected to receive an armful of Ogryn and Ratling blister packs. But not only did they send me a metric ton of models, they sent me the good stuff. My wife couldn’t help laughing at me walking out of the store with boxes piled higher than my head with a grin plastered across my face.

All totaled it comes to almost exactly $1100 retail. And with absolutely no upgrades, the models add up to about 2750 points (250 points more than promised)! Trade Sales really went all out this year, far above and beyond the call of duty. If any of you guys read this: thank you!

So what did St. Celestine bring for x-mas this year? Check the shipping invoice here or read below:

1 Cadian Command Squad

5 Cadian Infantry Squads

2 Cadian Heavy Weapon Squads

3 Chimeras

6 (SIX!) Valkyries

1 Manticore/Deathstrike

3 Leman Russ Demolishers

3 Leman Russ Battle Tanks

3 Basilisks

As much as I’d like to be the guy who has 5000 points of mechanized Imperial Guard (and a full air force!), I plan on selling most of this haul. A couple of pieces I plan on donating to our club as prizes for the GT that’s in the works for the fall. And I think I owe Ed a little something for lending me his beautiful models for the past 4 months. Lastly, I’ll be keeping a couple of gems for myself (Cadian Command Squad and the Heavy Weapon Teams).

Everything else is up for grabs at 25% off and $6 flat rate shipping. Send me an email if you’re interested and catch it before it goes up on Bartertown and eBay.

Despite my best efforts I find myself unable to update this site with new content as much as I’d like to. (Well, maybe my second best efforts.) It’s not for lack of ideas and it’s certainly not for lack of opinions, but rather lack of free time.

To alleviate this problem I’d like to take on at least a couple of new authors for Bald and Screaming. Anyone and everyone will be considered. I’m particularly interested in those who can demonstrate their knowledge of the game (either 40k or Fantasy) by pointing me to examples of their work. Most of all, I would love to get some existing bloggers on board, either as guest writers or regular fixtures. The idea is to transition B&S from a personal blog to a mecca of Warhammer-related information. In the interim, I’ll settle for a collaboration amongst pillars of the gaming community.

There will be no formal application process and my requirements for consideration are intentionally vague:

• You must be capable of writing at a 12th grade level
• You must have in-depth knowledge of your subject matter
• You must be able to post once a week (or more)

Regarding subject matter, whatever you want to write about is fine as long as you’re capable of doing so intelligently. There’s room for writers in many areas including rules, painting, modeling, news, and even fluff. But if you’re not interested in specializing that’s fine too.

For those interested, click here to drop me a line.

This post will go a long way to addressing that issue in detail as I muse about the state of competition in the US tournament scene and the design methods used by tournament organizers.

Updated content? From me? You had to know this was an April Fools’ joke.

Fortunately, Black Matt over at the Black Legion Blog provides a cheap and effective custom Mycetic Spore model. Standing 5.5″ tall, these models are approximately the same dimensions as the Space Marine drop pod. Each is hand-made and textured and, as I can attest to personally, looks great in person.

Be sure to click the pictures to get a better look and head on over to the Black Legion Blog to pick some up!

The next post is the first installment of what started out as a simple rant but gradually morphed into what amounts to a series of essays on both Warhammer and competitive gaming in general. The full text is far too long for a single article, so I’ve decided to split it into several parts and milk it for all it’s worth. Feel free to read them at your leisure. Hopefully they’ll spark some interesting comments, though don’t be put off if I decline to chime in on some points because they may be addressed at length later on.

And now, on to the show…

Once things settle down I should have some interesting commentaries and battle reports to feature, including the unveiling of my mech IG army. Stay tuned.

The tournament consisted of three rounds, each consisting of a 1750 game with missions taken straight from the book and secondary objectives generated by our friendly local tournament organizer. Each game yielded 15 points for a win, 10 for a draw, and 5 for a loss, with an additional 4 possible points for completing secondary objectives (for a total of 19 per round). Our club has a lot of excellent artists, so paint score contributed a hefty bulk of the overall points (20) and the judging was very harsh. Soft score sportsmanship made up the last 15 points (5 per game, scored by opponent). Finally, each player was allowed to select a favorite opponent, each vote giving the nominated player an additional point towards the overall tally.

I managed to win all three games and had the most battle points by a wide margin (55 versus the next highest of 48), but due to my mediocre painting skills and getting tanked on sportsmanship in the third game by a sore loser, I took home second place overall. Not bad! Even better were the prizes–$200 for First Place, $150 for Second, $100 for Third, and a replica broadsword for Best General.

Check out some of the highlights:

Hordes of bloodthirsty green-skinned Cockney brawlers, drugged-up S&M space pirate serial killers, daemonic superhuman rock stars–the 41st millennium is clearly a lot more awesome than the present.

Too bad it’s only 2009.

In the meantime, we’ve got Warhammer 40k–similar enough to chess to maintain a respectable place at the top of the nerd hierarchy, yet still an acceptable excuse for adults to play with army men. It’s a hobby that’s got a little something for everyone, whether you’re a craftsman, a painter, lawyer, statistician, or an armchair general. Think of it as equal opportunity for dorks.

Yeah, that’s all fine and good, but who the hell am I and why should you care?

To answer the first question, my name is Dan Matulich. I’m a proud member of the Battle for Salvation gaming club in White Plains, NY, which includes several other players who have earned a name for themselves in the 40K community for both their painting skills and tactical acumen (Way of Saim Hann’s Fritz, Jawaballs, Black Matt, and others). While I play a number of armies (Lash Chaos, Chaos MC spam, Necrons, Imperial Fists), my Salamanders are truly my pride and joy.

To answer the second, well, you shouldn’t. I don’t win GTs (or attend them, for that matter), but I do win a significant amount of local tournaments in the NY area. More importantly, I’ve been playing for years and I know what I’m talking about. While I put some time and effort into painting, I don’t really give a lick about the hobby or the fluff; instead, I relish in the strategic and tactical challenges that the game itself has to offer and I do my best to foster a healthy and sportsmanly sense of competition locally.

You may find some of the articles here useful, and you may not. They range from the basics of deployment and positioning to more subtle nuances like positioning assaulting units and using skimmer walls. What you won’t find here is the garbage typical of Warseer and Bell of Lost Souls. (Pro tip: any advice presented in the form of a “tactica” is generally the exact opposite of what you should be doing.)

Anyways, enjoy.